True Life Confessions of the Millennium Mom

Confession # 2: I gave up cleaning my house and nobody noticed!

There was a time when my house was so clean and I was obsessed with keeping it that way. My husband actually said “PLEASE let it look lived in for crying out loud.” Then we had kids and he got his wish 1000 times over. It doesn’t just look lived in. It looks lived in by a Toys R Us... if that Toys R Us was hit by a tornado... and that tornado Dorothy-style dropped a laundromat on the Toys R Us... and then a giant vacuum cleaner showed up and accidentally blew instead of sucked. It’s a disaster.

I did not give up cleaning my house cold turkey. It was a weaning process. When I went back to work after the second one came along, I cut down to just weekends and maybe a weeknight here and there. That was soon reduced to weekends only. Once I started grad school it basically became a game of “move the mess” if company was coming. That turned out to be an ineffective strategy, as the kids would just show our guests the mess! “Hi, do you want to see a secret room? It’s name is off-limits and Mommy found a moldy grilled cheese sandwich in there.”

What I’m about to show you was the rock bottom moment that made me stop cleaning all together. It’s what used to be my “fancy room.” It was the formal living room. The only room in the house that was decorated. I refused to let my husband wire it for cable. It was meant to be my sanctuary not another TV room. Once upon a time I could relax there, reading or just drinking tea, silently admiring my $700 rug. But, just like every other room in our house, they took it over. It’s now littered with stuffed animals, art supplies and pop tart crumbs. Even if my rug was visible under all of that, I would just see juice stains. I tried. I honestly tried. I would spend hours cleaning. When I was done, I would make a cup a tea and head off to my fancy room for some R&R. This is what I would find. Yes, my friends, this is the AFTER picture. My children are the fastest re-messers this side of the Mississippi! You could never tell I cleaned. So... I just stopped.

Look... it’s not my proudest moment, but there it is. I rarely clean. Many will wonder why I don’t just hire a cleaning service. Besides the fact that it is not in our budget, I could never get this house clean enough for a maid! Sure, I would love to have some lady vacuum my floors twice a month, but who’s going to find them? I needed to knock something off my to do list anyway. Why not cleaning? I never really enjoyed it. When things start to get really bad, I just decide to throw a party. This forces me to force my husband to clean the house!

Confession #1: I have it all. Now can I give it back?

Ah... the days that I longed for my entire life have arrived. I’m a wife. I’m a mother. I’m a homeowner. I have a college degree and a great job. I’m in grad school. Oh... I have two golden retrievers! I have everything I ever wanted. My life is perfect! Well... maybe not perfect, but darn close. Ok, maybe not close in the true sense of the word. Let’s put my life on a map. As it is today, my life will represent the good ol’ USA. If my life is the United States, then Perfect is NEPTUNE! It really isn't that far. According to MapQuest, it’s just a mere 57 million miles by rocket. AND... that’s avoiding highways. Total time to reach my destination... seven years! That my friends, is darn close. In seven years, my life will be perfect. Of course, as it stands today, I am 57 million miles and one rocket shy of perfection.

For as long a I can remember, I have aspired to be a woman who has it all. A Kelly Ripa of sorts. I wanted the dream job, lots of kids and a super sexy hot, hot, hot husband. Ok... so my husband is only normal sexy (have you SEEN Kelly Ripa’s man), I only have two kids (give them a little chocolate and it sounds like 20) and I’m still climbing the ladder towards my dream job. BUT... by the classic definition of “having it all” (family and a career) I must say, I have achieved my goals.

WHY, WHY, WHY did no one ever tell me what having it all means to us non Kelly Ripas of the world? You know... the modern day, middle-class, still losing the baby weight, SUV driving, keeping up with the Jones’ mother. I like to call this woman the Millennium Mom. She is several generations of woman all rolled up into one. She represents the 1950’s with her desire to be the perfect wife. Like the mavericks of the 1960’s, she is organic and orgasmic. She currently lives in a political world that uncannily mimics the 1970’s... and she sometimes wishes she was high. As a mother, her role models are the sitcom mom’s of the 1980’s. The Angela Bowers, Claire Huxtables, Maggie Seavers and Elyse Keatons. They had it all and perfect hair to boot. The Millennium Mom became a woman in the 90’s and because of that she is powerful, competitive and corporate.

If I am any indication, the Millennium Mom is also overworked, under paid and quite possibly going crazy from having it all. There’s not enough time in the world to successfully maintain it all. Every aspect of my life demands every second of my time. Even this fun little dog-shaped speaker I bought for my iPod needs me to constantly touch it’s nose. If I don’t, it gets sad. Who wants a sad dog speaker? Not me! I give as much as I possibly can to everything, but I’m spread so thin that it is never enough. I could be better at my job if I didn’t have a family and I could be a better wife and mother if I didn’t have a job. Just imagine how happy my iPod dog would be if I had neither! Now that would be the life...just me and my iDog!

Of course, even if I could give it all back, we all know that I wouldn’t. I am a Millennium Mom, after all. I will continue to over extend myself in an attempt to be a success. I will settle for being less than perfect at everything I do, as long as I can do everything. Besides, I’m attached to it all and I’d like to think that the feeling is mutual. Not to mention, to an outsider my life DOES look perfect. For a Millennium Mom, that’s really all that matters!