Confession # 5: Toys Are The Root Of All Evil

Do you remember, as a child, wondering if your toys came alive while you were sleeping? Well, I am a grown woman and I still wonder! I believe that they do come alive; I also believe that they mate like bunnies and breed new toys! Seriously, how else do you explain all the toys in my house? They are evil, evil beings that must be stopped. Think about all of the various stresses of your life. I bet that most of them can be traced back to toys. Messy house... toys; screaming,fighting children... toys; throbbing pain in the sole of your foot... stepped on a mother f*&%ing toy! In my case, there was also an in prompt to parent/teacher conference to discuss my daughter’s sudden affinity for the phrase “Mother F*&%ing!” Look... my swear-o-meter turns off when “Barbie’s” high heel is lodged a half an inch into my heel. Of course, I told the teacher that she learned it from watching reruns of “The Chappel Show” with her father. When in doubt, blame your husband!

When I look around my house, I always find myself wondering “How did we get this many toys?” There seems to be an infinite supply. I feel like I am always packing away “old” toys to make room for new ones; most of which will soon be packed away themselves. Our basement is filled with bins and bins of barely used toys. Of course, we all know where they come from... holidays, birthdays, special occasions, finally pooping on the potty! Seriously, in our house, almost anything will get you a toy. We’re also a mixed culture family. My husband is Jewish and I have a Christian background. This means we celebrate EVERYTHING. And EVERYTHING seems to get a present (or eight)! Not to mention all the stuff other people give our kids. Every time they go to a birthday party, they come home with a bag full of cheap, plastic crap! Think about it. Each of my kids has about 20 other kids in their class. Each one has a birthday party EVERY year. That’s 40 bags of plastic crap we get a year!

I hate to use this expression; it makes me feel very old. BUT...”When I was a kid,” we didn’t have this many toys. We also didn’t have a birthday party every year. At most, it was every other year and that was only the super spoiled kids. And, not everyone left the party with a goodie bag. There were a few “prizes.” If you were the last man standing in “Simon Says” or you pinned the tail right in the very middle of the donkey’s ass, then you got a toy. Otherwise, you left empty handed, which meant no extra mess for your mom. Unless you count the times you barfed up cake and ice cream all over the stairs. That was just a one time mess though and when she stepped in it... it didn’t hurt!

Call me what you will, but I am declaring a ban on toys . My kids are going to learn what it’s like to get socks and underwear in their Christmas stockings. If they do get a toy for Hanukkah, you better believe there will be “some assembly required” and they will get it piece meal over the eight days. It will be a new tradition; on the last night of Hanukkah, you light the eighth candle and build your present! It will be great. Most importantly... no more birthday parties; at least not every year. AND... to all of the extended friends and family, for the last time STOP buying my kids toys! I don’t care if my children’s little faces fill with disappointment when they open your card that reads “I deposited $25 into your 529.” I will send you a picture when they graduate college, with a caption that says “Thanks to you, I’m debt free!” I would estimate that your cumulative gifts over the years add up to at least $2000. If that had been invested in a growth fund with an average annual return of 10%, today it would be worth a million dollars. Ok... anyone with a financial calculator caught my little exaggeration. It would be worth about $3500, but that’s a lot more valuable than the bins of depreciating toys in my basement! NO MORE TOYS! (please)

Comments

[Blarney]

The way I see it - its us against them! My strategy is to wait until they have left for school and clean out any toys that are broken, have missing pieces, haven't been used for a long time or are no longer age appropriate. Out of all my clean sweeps I have never heard them wonder where anything is.
I have to be honest, this is my favorite type of 'green' living ... when I can donate bags of toys to children who may go without.